I'm back!

Greetings to my legion of adoring fans who bombarded me with emails asking for my return. Your voice was heard, and I have returned. I am hoping that the insights I provide will continue to be taken as the gospel by which you should lead your lives.

And if you believe that, I've got this bridge I'd like to sell you...!

Actually, I've been going through quite a phase in my life the last few months. My life has undergone a dramatic change, and it seems to be working out OK, which is no small thing for me! Let me sum up the last eight months of my life for anyone who might give a care:

I got fired from my job as an IT guy in Houston. (More on this another day.)
I discovered a new career. (More on this later.)
I moved. To another city.
I proposed to the girl of my dreams.

Hmmm...Doesn't seem a like a whole lot when I list it off like that, but when you really think about it, everything about my life changed in less than a year. Some of it was not my choice, some of it was, but it has all been a great experience and I am looking forward to what the future may bring.

I'll keep checking in periodically and giving more details as I go along. I hope the Christmas season is treating everyone well.

Nothing Makes You Appreciate Your Life More Than Being Sick

I don't care how bad you think your life is going right now, I guarantee you that if you get sick, your normal life will seem MUCH better.

Yes, you will feel worse in the short term. Running a fever or suffering from bouts of what I euphemistically call Involuntary Personal Protein Spills (thanks to the great George Carlin for that one!) can tend to make your everyday existence a little uncomfortable. Even when you get better, you don't really FEEL better. You might be weak as a kitten. You might have to run to the bathroom every 15 minutes. You may find this period to be of some inconvenience to you and your daily responsibilities.

But then, the glorious day arrives when you look in the mirror and your face has lost that mustard/guacamole tint (color depends on exact illness that you were stricken with). You can go to a restaurant and actually enjoy the smells coming from the other tables - well, the food smells, anyway. You come home, and actually have the energy to resume your workout regimen - whether it's at the gym or at your local drinking establishment. Hey that's all up to you.

But on that wonderful day, when you finally feel human again, no matter what your personal circumstances, everything feels much better than it did before you got sick.

So, in the long term, being sick DOES make your normal life seem much better, doesn't it?

Just A Little Respect for the 'Stros, Please?

A warning for my legion of devoted fans: This will be the first of what I hope will be many sports-related posts. For those of you who have no interest whatsoever in anything involving sports, feel free to check back another day.

Now, for the two of you that are still with me, I have a question: What IS it with the national sports media?

Judging by the media coverage the Houston Astros have received so far this year, I think that most of the people who cover baseball have forgotten that the Astros are the defending National League champions. In fact, I would say that the Houston Nine are being patronized, even ignored.

Just in case you think I am nothing more than a rabid, illogical homer who would like nothing better than to see the Astros lead off every SportCenter and be on the cover of every Sports Illustrated, let me make the following four points to back up my claim.

1) Before the 2005 season, all 19 experts that ESPN used to predict the results of the upcoming season picked the Cardinals to win the National League Central. None of those same experts predicted the Astros to win anything. Note that in the 2004 National League Championship Series, the Astros took the Cardinals to 7 games, and actually had a 3-2 series lead, before finally bowing out. Also note that the mighty Cardinals were swept in the World Series, losing all 4 games by a total of 12 runs. Well, as everyone knows, the 2005 Astros won the wild card with a historical run and made it to the World Series. (By the way, they beat St. Louis in only six games on their way there.) Even though they, too, were swept, they lost by a four-game total of only 6 runs. Now, before the 2006 season, the same 19 experts again tried to predict the division winners for the season. Only ONE holdout cast his vote for the Astros to win the division. Nobody else predicted so much as a wild card for Houston. (The 18 sheep who didn’t vote for the Astros all picked the Cardinals to win the division again.)

2) Fourteen games into the season, with the team ranked second in the NL in batting statistics (yes, offense!) and seventh in pitching (with TWO rookies and no Rocket Clemens!), the Astros are STILL relegated to the second hour, only referred to in box scores and game recaps. To contrast this, the Detroit Tigers and the Milwaukee Brewers had fast starts to the season and they are continually spotlighted. I don’t mean to take anything away from Detroit’s Chris Shelton and Mike Mroth. I mean no disrespect towards Prince Fielder and Ben Sheets of the Brewers. All four players are good, and the franchises at last seem like they might have some hope this year. The question remains; How can these two perennially inept teams, with no playoff appearances in the last two decades, be featured over an Astros team that has been to the playoffs six out of the last nine years? Why does Jim Leyland ranting about how bad his club played night before last trump a come from behind victory by a team that has been slammed all off-season for a LACK of offense?

3) The Astros have paid their dues. They have improved every year for the last three years. In 2003 they finished only one game back for the NL Central title, but four games back in the Wild Card chase. In 2004, they captured the Wild Card and finally did two things that no other Astros team had been able to do: Win a postseason series, and beat the hated Atlanta Braves. After losing to the St. Louis Cardinals in seven games, the Astros came back in 2005, beat Atlanta again for good measure, and just to put an exclamation mark on the improvement from last year, beat the Cardinals as well, in spite of the stomach punch game that was Game 5 (the Pujols home run, but of course, EVERYBODY certainly remembers THAT).

4) For the 2006 season, the Astros did two things that all the experts predicted would be disastrous for the team’s prospects this year. They let Roger Clemens go, and they made no significant changes to the roster. As a result, all the pundits have made arguments for everyone but the Bad New Bears to win the NL Central. Heck, I could have put my old rec league softball team in the NL Central and someone would have picked them to win it. But in spite of Tim Purpura’s reluctance to make major changes, they are 10-4 to start the season, tied for the best record in the majors. They are ranked in the top ten in both hitting and pitching. Lance Berkman and Morgan Ensberg are ranked in the top 20 in all three Triple Crown statistical categories: batting average, home runs, and RBI. Even Adam Everett, who according to the press is a great glove and terrible offense, has increased his batting average almost 50 full points, from .248 to his current .327 pace. And yet, all of the press surrounding the Astros so far is limited to the Clemens Carousel, Preston Wilson striking out seven times in a row, and whether Lidge is damaged goods or not. Of course, last year, our offensive ineptitude was talked about all season, mainly because Clemens was being screwed out of his eighth Cy Young award.

I am not sure if the Astros can continue this offensive onslaught. Odds are that they will cool down some as the season progresses. It is, after all, a long season. In the meantime, it just infuriates me when this team gets absolutely no respect outside of the state of Texas. All I want is for this team to get it’s rightful due from the people whose job it is to know and follow baseball.

Back To The Ol' Grindstone

It's been a month of deep reflection for me. I think that losing a friend before his time might tend to do that to a person. I've grieved a little, stressed a little, and thought a lot, and it's time to get back on the horse now and let my life resume its normal course. Coincidentally enough, it's also the start of baseball season and my hometown Houston Astros are doing better than expected (more on this in a later post). The Houston Dynamo are playing their inaugural season in the MLS, and the only thing better than watching good soccer is watching it live and in person. As an added bonus, my girlfriend not only got a job last week, she got what amounts to the job of her dreams. After an eight-month pursuit, she is a senior editor at a small magazine with national circulation. She is very happy right now. (And the award for Understatement of the Year goes to...ME!)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that everything around me is OK. Flowers are blooming, birds are singing, the weather is perfect, and my friends have been there for me when I needed them. Life is good right now, and I need to start acting like it. We all have problems, it's how we deal with them that sets us apart from each other. I don't think I've been dealing with mine particularly well, and I apologize to everyone who has put up with me during my period of ennui.

Things will get better, I know that. I just forgot it for a little while.

Goodbye, Richard Ayala. I Will Miss You.

My friend and coworker Richard Ayala once said that here in the I.T. department of the company I work for, we spend so much time with each other that we might as well be family.

It is a sad thing to bury your brother before his time.

But at the same time, I am very happy and very proud to be able to say that I was his friend. He was one of those kinds of people that you genuinely enjoy having around. Quick with a joke, slow to anger, firm in his standards, and loyal to those around him. We were his coworkers, but it was impossible to remain just that with Rich.

At 10:30 pm on March third, 2006, my friend died.

Goodbye, Rich. We will all miss you terribly. We were bettered by your presence in our lives, and we are lessened by it's passing.

In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Santi.

Amen.

Zen and the Art of the Car Wreck

The abrupt, usually violent meeting between a car and a tree is never a picnic, even under the best of circumstances. Have you ever hit a tree at 50 miles an hour? I have, and let me tell you it is not something I wish to repeat any time soon.

It happened about fifteen years ago, in a little town in Northeast Texas. I was running late for work, so I was driving at what I will euphemistically refer to as “a healthy clip”. In the backwoods of East Texas, where there are actually hills to negotiate, a healthy clip is not a good idea. Of course, in my haste, I wasn’t thinking about the hills. I also wasn’t thinking about any of the little side roads that merged with the highway. Coincidentally enough, the driver of the van that cut me off wasn’t really thinking about the highway as he pulled out of one of the little side roads and proceeded to travel in the same direction as me, but at a speed that I will generously describe as “snail’s pace”.

Now, as anybody who has driven a car might guess, when the driver of a car going 65 miles per hour looks up and realizes that less than 100 yards away is a van going 15 miles per hour, the aforementioned driver doesn’t have very long to figure out exactly how to avoid what is sure to be a very sudden stop to his forward motion. It’s especially difficult when the one thing that 100% of us would try first – hitting the brakes – doesn’t seem to be working. How long do you think you have to make that next choice? A second? Maybe two? If I didn’t make a decision in less time than it takes to open a can of soda, a decision was going to be made for me. So, I made a decision. I took a right turn off the highway, making for a field that I had driven by a hundred times. I thought I was pretty clever, until I realized that the grass was wet and I no longer had any control over where my car was going. In less than six seconds, it was over. I had completed my journey, but the final destination was not my office in the middle of town. Instead, I made the acquaintance of a very large tree that was minding its own business as the drama on the road unfolded. The transition from 40mph to 0mph was rather sudden, and my body almost became a permanent part of the interior of my car. To this day, my knees will remind me of it.

Now, here’s where the story gets weird: I walked away from that landing. My car was a complete ruin – the frame was cracked in two places and the pedals ended up in the same approximate location that my knees would have normally occupied. Nevertheless, I shoved open the car door and stumbled out under my own power. One brief hospital visit later, the damage was assessed: ONE set of bruised ribs, NUMEROUS contusions and abrasions, and ONE slightly damaged ego. I was one lucky little boy.

Now I know that most of you might be asking, “Why does this story deserve any kind of mention in this kind of forum?” The answer to that question is lying in the Trauma ICU Unit of Ben Taub Hospital here in Houston, TX.

You see, three of my coworkers were in a major accident over the weekend. One of them was discharged with minor injuries. One of them broke his leg and suffered the requisite bumps and bruises. He’ll be in the hospital for a few days recovering. The third coworker, however, is in bad shape. He’s in critical condition and it may be months before he can return to work. His family, his friends, and his coworkers are devastated and we are having a rather difficult time associating the smiling, confident man we know with the battered and unconscious body that lies in that hospital bed, buried under tubes and sensors. As I visited him on Sunday and talked to him, I had a thought that I am sure has crossed all our minds at one point or another. I have just never had it enter my brain in such a direct and immediate way.

Why not me?

Why was I blessed with the good fortune to suffer nothing more serious than a bruised ego, when someone else who had almost the same kind of accident was almost killed? Heck, why were the passengers in the same car, in the same accident, spared the injuries that he suffered?

I’m sure that most of you have an answer. I know I do. But the honest truth is that no answer can put my mind to rest. Even though I am old and cynical enough to know better, I can’t help but feel that somehow, in the great cosmic scheme of things, I traded places with him. I want to tell him that I’m sorry. I won’t, because that will only confuse the poor guy when he finally wakes up. And I know that I will eventually come to my senses and not worry about this anymore. But for now, I will nurse my fifteen year old wounds as best I can, and pray for my friend as hard as I can, and hope that it turns out all right in the end.

Welcome to my very own Blog

For those of you lucky few individuals that are going to be able to claim that you were there at the genesis of something great, I welcome you. For everyone else that will be reading this after I make it big, I welcome you anyway. (Heck, I don't think it's a wise marketing decision to alienate roughly 100% of my potential readers.) I know I am a little late getting into the blog craze, but since I am trying to start a writing career, I figured, what do I have to lose? If I am going to write, I may as well do it in a public forum and start handling the criticism, right?

'Eclectic' is a Life Philosophy here at Chez Llanes. I have a ton of thoughts and life experiences that might make you laugh - or they might bore you to tears. Either way, I welcome you to weigh in with your comments on any topic I might write about. This is not rocket science, and I will try not to turn it into anything nearly that complicated.

Right now, it is almost 5pm here in Houston, Texas. I am sitting at my cubicle on the 10th floor of a building in the Galleria (one of the glitziest malls in the country), with a window view of the world outside. Most everyone is going home right about now, but alas! I have to stay here until 6pm, and on a Friday, no less! Try THAT, Ted Ferguson, Bud Light Stuntman!! Two full minutes after 5pm is child's play around here!

Of course, on the bright side, I am missing most of the traffic that piles up in the area at about this time. Now, for those of you outside of the Houston Metropolitan Area, let me explain what "traffic" means here. I have long held that drivers here in Houston are the worst in the nation. Until recently, I have had only my conviction and my scars to prove it. Now, the city's very own Metropolitan Transit Authority can back me up.

On January 1, 2004, Houston Light Rail officially began service in the downtown area. At the time it went on-line, there were already four accidents on record, all occuring during the irregularly scheduled but well publicized test runs during the months of November and December, 2003. Since that time, METRO has logged 126 accidents. That is an average of one incident every 6 days, compared to the national average of four incidents per year! No other rail system in the nation can boast our numbers.

Most people seem to blame Metro for these numbers. Organizations such as ActionAmerica.org insist that the Light Rail is dangerous, badly designed, and a failure. I believe that the train is fine, it's the drivers around the train that are the real menace! You see, here in Houston, unlike anywhere else in the country, almost the entire 8 mile length of the Light Rail runs on the street, sharing space with the cars driving through downtown and the surrounding areas. And consistently, most of the accidents that have been logged (and videotaped, and witnessed!) have been caused by driver error!! Illegal turns, failure to yield, failure to control speed, ignoring posted signs and lights - the list goes on. THE TRAIN IS ON RAILS, FOR PETE'S SAKE! It's not going to swerve, or cut you off, and except for starting and stopping, it hardly varies in speed. It is also HUGE!! Can you not SEE it coming? For crying out loud! Opponents of Light Rail: have you actually experienced Houston drivers? Have you seen how crazy this multi-ethnic blend of driving habits is? I have experienced traffic in places like New York and Mexico City, and nothing matches the sheer audacity and ignorance of the Houston driver. To blame the train for the high rate of accidents is like blaming the campfire for burning the child! How inane is that?

I guess the point I am trying to make is that traffic around here sucks. There is no courtesy here, and little things like using blinkers and looking before you change lanes are ignored. Toss in the fact that, because of how sprawling this city is, EVERYBODY has a car. Sprinkle in a dose of inadequate public transportation infrastructure. Stir in an overworked and undersized police department. Voila! Is the recipe starting to take shape yet? It's called Disaster.

Commuting is a fact of life here in Houston. Commuting does not involve busses or trains. It means driving a car. When rush hours routinely last three to four hours, it is time for a meaningful change.

Now, if y'all will excuse me, it is time to leave the office, jump into my car and drive home. Hopefully I've rambled on long enough that I will have missed most of tonight's traffic! Wish me luck!

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more,
Or close the wall up with our Houston traffic dead!
At home there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility;
But when the blast of car horns blow in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger:
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood.


[A huge thanks to Bill Shakespeare for graciously allowing me to paraphrase "Henry V" (5.3.44-51)]